Therapeutic Release… letting go when holding on is all you know.

Hey y’all. I’ve been trying to find the way to release somethings that have been sitting inside of me, but I don’t have them. God does.  Two years ago I wrote a book on professionalism for the millennial of color (https://www.amazon.com/Word-Guide-Professionalism-Millennial-Century-ebook/dp/B013S2BDMK). This book was based on a presentation I gave my student leaders while working in higher education. I self-published and it’s still selling, God is good and merciful. However, it’s time for a revamp. 

I have a quote in the book that is sticking out to me like a thorn right now 

…Shaking the table can remove your seat from it if not done correctly. 

The problem sometimes with being a millennial is not knowing when good intentions become disrespectful or even toxic behaviors. Sometimes you are so driven towards change and so focused you can alienate those who are seeking to teach you something. I am learning in this season to not explain myself in everything. Christ is the only person who can and has justified me and that was through his ultimate sacrifice on the cross. I heard a wise preacher once say,

When the spirit gives you a word, speak it. When he is finished so are you. You are a vessel. 

How easy is it to forget why we were created. How easy is it to forget that all of these great ideas and intentions we have are just platforms and vessels for God’s work to be done?

My generation is obsessed with purpose. We are desperate to have meaning in our lives but we forget this truth

We have to give way to HIM and HIS purpose. This verse in the amplified version describes righteousness as God’s  way of living and what pleases Him. Not what will make you rich. Not what will make you famous, but what will make him famous! There’s a t-shirt company and their most popular item is a shirt that says “Make Jesus Famous” (http://awesomejesustees.com/). Not me. Not my Pastor. Not my church. Jesus. 

There is process in purpose and the table is where you eat and are filled. Do not shake a table that you have not provided for without the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Flesh can push us to do things ahead of time and ultimately that means we are out of the will of God. God’s timing is perfect. No need to rush or to doubt (I’m talking to myself again). 

Let me be real transparent. I’m battling a controlling spirit. One I will defeat, but it has had a hold on me for too long. It’s almost like a PTSD fight or flight reaction, my defense mechanism has been to try to control the outcome. Well that’s never worked out for me too well. This year I began praying for God to move in my life, like I always do, but I’d trust him no matter what. I’ve been through some tests where I’ve had to really look at what I was doing, take my hands off of it and truly give it to God. I’ve had to learn the difference between confidence and control (thin line) as well as humility and humiliation ( even thinner line).  I haven’t been perfect I. This pursuit but I did learn to eat in calculated silence.  That meant shutting out the background noise. Part of controlling everything is trying to control your narrative and controlling your narrative is listening to everything everyone is saying and trying to spin it.

 It is not my job to spin anything. God will do it all if I TRUST him. Even when it looks like I’m losing. Even when it looks like what was promised won’t come to pass, that’s when I have to push even harder in my trust in God. That’s the letting go. Even when you are in pain, let go. Forgive in the midst and let God be God. I am just a vessel and my purpose is just his platform.

Although I have made some mistakes I do stand on the word of God which states: 

Everything I thought I messed up God is using to for his purpose for my life and it’s a part of the process. I couldn’t always see it in the midst of the storm but looking back (briefly) I see how it all played out to this place. So don’t give up. The days I have had the biggest breakdowns and cried out to God are some of the doorways to the greatest breakthroughs I will ever experience. Be spirit led. When you feel like it’s over. When you feel like you can’t take anymore. When you feel like you have done all you can. Let go of control and push through those feelings. He is right there with you and he’s got your back. So trust him. Not your flesh. Not the words of man. Trust him. 

He’s there waiting for you to give him the reigns of your life. Walk in faith and as the word of God says in Ephesians 3:20 he will do a mighty work within us and will accomplish more than we may ask for or think. 

Stay positive. Send love. Be blessed. 

Grief meet transition…

2017 has been a year of growth for me as well as a year of loss. As I said in an earlier post, my father died in February. I never really properly grieved that loss or made peace with him. He and I didn’t have the best relationship, I believe it’s because I was a girl and not a boy, but he was my dad. 

It feels like I’ve been fighting the grief I never fully experienced for the past 7 months. Last week, I found out my mother has crippling arthritis. 2 months ago my son is diagnosed with mild autism instead of aspbergers. 2 and a half months ago I got dumped.  So it seems as if I am never really able to process everything that happens fully. 

Now that I have prayed for vision and purpose, I am in a new cycle called transition. The crazy part about these two cycles are they mirror each other almost identically. 

I didn’t really understand what was happening to me until I spoke with a friend today. Life had really been happening and I never slowed down enough to properly grieve each new thing or process it fully. I put on a positive face and kept it moving out of fear of being branded that negative or complaining friend. When I did vent, I personally felt I put people off. I didn’t pretend to understand why God chose me for all of this, but today was the first day it all hit me at once. The emotions had been so suppressed in the back of my mind and I didn’t realize I was operating like a machine. I exploded alone and was ok with that. I think I was the rawest with God I have ever been. It made me post a simple status on Facebook “ Less Martha and more Mary “. 

I am admittedly more Martha, I have a strong work ethic and I love order. Recently, I have begun to experience just sitting with God. Unplugging from the world and just loving him. That’s how I was able to coast through without anyone noticing. I have become a pro at hiding my struggles. That comes from years of being the “dramatic” “ emotional” “ angry” “negative “ friend. I dare not tell anyone I have struggled with depression and anxiety off and on since the age of 13. It’s just better to take the label over the stigma. 

Today, I recognized what was happening in my private outburst. I was triggered. Some people dismiss mental health as a spiritual issue, but it is real. I was able to effectively work through the thoughts and the heaviness sitting on my mind. It’s hard to deal with these things when you’re truly alone. You feel guilty for being angry and speaking to God so disrespectfully. You pray for guidance and ask for repentance about your doubts. You pray to have him give you strength all while wishing you could smile. You want to tell someone but you’re too afraid of how they’ll treat you. It’s a lonely place. 

I am a change agent but I don’t do death well. I never have. I don’t go to funerals on purpose. In break ups I make clean breaks. When I leave jobs I don’t look back. I am facing all of that now while fighting through my triggers. I am becoming whole but first I must be transparent and honest about who I really am and what I struggle with.  

I’m not perfect but I am here for a reason. I am dealing with everything one step at a time. I know I’m not the only one who is going through this and it is ok. I am taking the pressure off of myself to make everyone else comfortable with my mental health state and focusing on self care so I can care for my family and stay focused on purpose. 

I know these last two blogs haven’t been traditional in devotion but my spirit led me to write. It’s so therapeutic for me and I appreciate y’all. 

Stay positive. Send love. Be blessed. 

There is nothing wrong with you ( read me)

*******Disclaimer******** this post isn’t going to be really scripture heavy. It’s more of a revelationary vent. 

Y’all it’s just one of those days where you have to push through. I love hard. I go hard. I’m just a passionate person. When I’m processing I either get really quiet or I talk consistently because I’m thinking things through. That’s who I am. I have come to the understanding that everyone won’t like me. Everyone won’t understand me. Everyone won’t love me. But I’m here for a reason. 

My 20s were a horrible time to be me, because I didn’t know who I was. You could get a different me in the morning and then again in the afternoon and then again at night. I self medicated with a variety of vices, my favorite had to be approval. I sought my worth in everything but God and I discounted myself pretty low. I let my life be dictated by what people thought of me and engaged in behaviors that were reckless just because I wanted to fill the void reserved for God. 

I thought when I came to back to Christ I would be instantly delivered but the insecurities only multiplied. When I joined my current church I over-served so I looked like a good committed Christian. When I dated Godly men, I over compensated because of my scandalous past. When I made Godly friends, I kept secrets about my life because I was ashamed. I even thought in February this year I felt more free in the world than I did in the body of Christ. I’ll admit I had some serious introspection to do on myself. What I did find out is I’m here. I’m who I am. I have a reason. 

God started pruning me to make room for my fruit this summer. I lost friends who I had fed. I lost love. I lost comfort. God showed me people were just that, people. We as humans long to be cared for and loved properly, we can place ourselves in bad situations to fill that void. God did say it was not good for man to be alone. That’s when fear comes in and moves us out of the will of God. I had a conversation a week ago about rejection and I was told to stop fearing it. That’s easier said than done but Today of all days brought that conversation into perspective. 

If I’m rejected by friends, church members, or potential suitors then I am in good company because Jesus was rejected and he saved the world. I am not for everyone. I am so unique and wonderful that I am a blessing waiting to be revealed. I am worth the best God has for me so I know now if you reject me, no matter your station in my life you aren’t the best for me. So God bless you. It is a privilege to be loved by me in any capacity and to reject the honor being bestowed upon you shows the level of wisdom from you and protection for me from HIM. 

Please don’t take this post as a vent or a humble brag, I just feel in my spirit there is someone else having the same expe today and needs an encouraging word. God is enough for me. Y’all know I desire the things but I’m chasing God. So I’ll sit here and be annoying (passionate), aloof ( thoughtful), aggressive (I’m learning to love that one), and whatever else I’m negatively called. I’m God’s creation and he loves me. No I don’t have it all together ( I actually fell on my face and cried for 20 minutes before I wrote this blog) but I’m enough. I’m worth it. I thank God he made me enough in HIM so I no longer have to be bound to them. I’m free through Jesus. 

Stay positive. Send love. Be blessed.

Oh Baby, What Is You Doing? Praying versus Idolizing

This weekend was a great one. I spent most of it with God and I just felt really complete in Him. I didn’t worry about my phone or the future, I was actually in the present. For me that’s a blessing and it’s evidence of growth. Anywho, yesterday my senior Pastor went in with the word of God. He spoke about the daughters of Zelophehad (Numbers 27:1-7). I had heard the story and even studied it briefly in ministry school but the way he dug in brought me to another thought process which I’ll get to later in the blog. He talked about how the daughters were change agents. These young women dared to challenge the status quo, rejected by each level in the Mosaic hierarchy until Moses took their case to God and God spoke to him  and told him they were correct and award them the inheritance. Women who dared to leave the place they were expected to stay and be comfortable in by faith stepped out and trusted God would provide even though faced with opposition at every corner. 

This spoke to me so loudly, not because I’m a woman and a change agent, but because I realized the similarities and differences between the daughters of Zelophehad and myself. These women trusted God and walked in their truth. They didn’t sit in “prayer” and beg God for something that they knew was theirs. They had faith in God walked in his path and trusted him with the outcome. Even when things looked like they weren’t going to happen for them immediately, they held onto their faith and let God be God. 

What I didn’t see them doing was praying for the same thing over and over and over again. The text doesn’t mention that at all. They didn’t doubt that God would deliver his promises. They didn’t have all these scenarios playing out in their heads about what if it didn’t happen. They just moved on the faith of God. That’s where I started crying. That’s when the reality hit. I can’t give something to God and worry about it. I can’t give something to God and then make a back up plan. I can’t give something to God and let it control me. Doing all of that has turned a prayer into an idol.  

A couple of weeks ago I saw a post on Instagram that said “ The reason why your husband hasn’t come yet is because you keep praying for him”. While the person who posted it had a good intentions it didn’t say anything about what kind of prayers or why. This morning I saw a tweet from a different person which tied in the sermon and the IG post “Maybe God hasn’t given you the thing you’re praying for because He knows you’ll make it an idol”. Mic drop. Y’all, that spoke to my whole soul. We pray for things but we don’t trust God to bring them and in essence the repetition in the prayer, especially when it dominates our time with God, starts to build an idol in our hearts. 

Praying is a dialogue. It is sacred time with the Most High. There is no such thing as an unanswered or delayed prayer. God is sovereign and he doesn’t need to be reminded of the desires of our hearts repeatedly (I’m talking to myself). He created us. He knows us. He has plans for us. I honestly believe if we placed action behind the persistent prayers we wouldn’t construct these heart idols and we would see more of what God has in store for our lives.  

James 1:12 gives me direction on this task and reminds me that my faith will be tested, but I will be blessed by God if I do not give up hope. So, I look to the faith of the daughters of Zelophehad. Although I am different and in a place of growth (uncomfort) I must always trust God. My challenge to myself this week is to move on the things I have persistently prayed for and truly trust God’s guidance and promises for my life. 

Stay positive. Send love. Be blessed. 

Shut your mouth and quit listening to the enemy (inner me)…

We quote the scripture above often in my family, friend circle, and every day encounters on social media. It’s a wise scripture and one would do well to take heed to live by it. But what happens when in the process of the call/promises/achieving destiny gets you completely down? You shut your mouth. I know that advice sounds really rude and isn’t the normal spirit of the space but I promise it’s a good thing. 

I have been listening to Destiny by Bishop TD Jakes. Y’all this book has blessed my life and confirmed the last 7 weeks of it. There is something freeing about making destiny moves, especially when you’re making them for God and to glorify him and build his heavenly kingdom on earth. I am enjoying the time with him and even the process that is bringing me closer to my divinely ordained destiny. However, human nature can kick in on this journey and mine did just that. Wednesday, I felt really empowered as I was able to speak my truth to a friend and I received some destiny docs  in the mail! I was operating in total gratitude about the things God was doing in me and through me. I wanted to stay in his presence and in those moments. The next day however, I wasn’t feeling it.  I know my destiny is God ordained but the enemy (inner me) tried to sneak up into my head. It made me want to not trust Him. It started to say I was crazy for believing what I was believing for my life. It questioned if heard God correctly. The voices became magnified as I got my first rejection letter from a position, my family received some terrible news, and the growing pains of stretching past my current state begin to show through the facade I was using to cover them up. I wanted to scream. I wanted to do  like Martha did when Jesus arrived “too late” to save Lazarus and speak about all the logical facts regarding what I was seeing and then I saw the cover quote, “Don’t let your head talk you out of what God has promised your heart”  my head was not speaking life to the promises of God in my life. It was playing tricks on me and wanted me to doubt the work I was doing. 

So I shut my mouth and opened my spirit to speak life over myself. I cannot give the lies of the enemy any more power over my life. I have spent years in bondage and I’m finally free. Only a fool would go back into slavery out of fear, and I’m no fool. 

Speaking to God frequently is the only way I am able to make it through these days. Why? Because, the anointing on my life is truly flowing.  When you are in purpose and operating in the will of God, attacks are apart of the territory. 

I chose to push through the attack by praying and warring in the spirit, than be bound and comfortable. I went to a singles conference this weekend (my first ever) and the opening session touched on that very issue, comfort. The speaker had a bag filled with things that stay on us from past experiences but the shocker was a pillow. The pillow represented how comfortable we become in our mess and how God’s purpose is not about being comfortable but worship and obedience.  

My comfort zone for years has been bondage. Being bound by opinions, abuse, toxic relationships, and unfulfilling career choices. It was safe to say I was just existing but angry at God for not giving me the desires of my heart. How could he? My self talk always talked me out of my trust in God which never allowed me to fully complete the desires part. I had a control issue which was rooted in a trust issue. These past 7 weeks have been freeing because I can truly say I trust God with everything. I can truly say that all things are working for my good. I can honestly say he’s got my back and I chose him over everybody. God is BAE (before anybody else).  So now I don’t give power to the voice in my head that lies. The one that is powered by the enemy (inner me) now I know when my mind wants to play a trick on me I go to the source, my energy (inner G…od) who, as the Holy Spirit, lives in me and guides me and comforts me of the promises of God even when my flesh can’t see them. I thank God for freedom. I thank God for deliverance. I thank God for purpose.  

Stay positive. Send love. Be blessed. 

When you’re empty…

Today is a day when I’m just empty. I’m pushing past my flesh to even exist. Are you shocked at my admitting my truth? I’m a Christian but we are all humans. Sometimes we just are empty. This week has been a faith struggle in almost every aspect of my life. I just need God. 
For the past 3 years God has been growing and stretching me and I know it’s all for purpose, it doesn’t feel good all the time but it has meaning and will be used for good eventually. When we ask God to use us and lay our lives down as a living sacrifice, something always has to die ( and it’s not going to be God). Purpose pushing isn’t easy by any means. I’ve lost so much that I’ve tried to gain but what I lost could never go with me into destiny. 

Destiny and purpose will grow you in the process. It will make you a fighter. It won’t let you give up if you’re really in Gods will. What it will do is make you seek His face more frequently. I’m writing this on my lunch break because I felt like I was going to break today at work. My heart isn’t in it and the only way I was going to be able to do it was with God. I got a rejection letter from a job I applied for. I haven’t heard back from the one interview I had. There are things I’m sure I’m supposed to be sure of but there’s no physical evidence of them being sure of me.  Yes, I have cried some real tears today but I met the tears with God. 

I admitted to him I’m not able to do anything by myself. I don’t doubt his will for my life, but I need him for everything. The strength to stay genuine in a place that supports the phony is hard. To know what you know when what you see is the complete opposite is faith at its best. To believe that God heard your prayers and will supply all your needs is getting past your flesh. 

The enemy will find little cracks in your faith and try to squeeze in and attack. Resisting him is key to survival. Repeating the truth God has spoken to me over my life and my purpose and vision is all I have right now. I won’t give up. I won’t give in. I will live in truth. Truth is sometimes it’s hard to smile but I know who is in my corner and who has put the fix in. I win! No matter what it looks like now, I win! 

So as I go back into my job and sit at my desk, I know what I feel is temporary and God is setting me up for the win!

Stay positive. Send love. Be blessed. 

The issue with humble-bragging… pride

Good morning! Yesterday I wasn’t obedient and had to repost. This morning I won’t make that mistake. So the new trend for my age group is something that boils my blood but I have been guilty of it: humble-bragging. The dictionary defines this as to make a seemingly modest, self-critical, or casual statement or reference that is meant to draw attention to one’s admirable or impressive qualities or achievements. 

How many of us are guilty of this? I’ll admit it I am. The problem with the humble brag is it diminishes the gift of humility. Growing up, I thought being humble meant I made myself feel so low and any praise meant I was cocky. That ain’t it. Then I took Joshua 1:9 out of context and began to boast about the greatness that was in me ( completely leaving out the one who gave it to me, GOD). That ain’t it either. So in my late 20s I began to “humble brag” about how I preserved through the difficulties of my life. It wasn’t until I got into my thirties that I realized my life wasn’t hard it was just life. 

James 1:2-8 says to count it all joy when you face trials because they are strengthening your faith. Honestly, those 8 years of “trials” were the staging ground for my ministry and destiny. My friends and I used to joke about guys who would approach us and say ” Hey girl, I got my own house, my own car, a good job, and I take care of my kids” like it was an accomplishment. No sir, you are an adult. You don’t get accolades for basic life skills. The same mentality goes for the humble-brag. I wanted accolades for facing my tests and trials ( many of which came from my poor decisions) instead of praising and thanking God for bringing me through them unscathed.  The spirit of humble brag then seeped into my every day life. I couldn’t see the good in people. I just knew who was real and who wasn’t. I needed to be humbled. 
Be careful of thinking ou know it all and being able to “read” people. It will find some way to humble you. To be honest I didn’t know how bad this had gotten in my life until this past spring when someone I just met said ” You’re just a know it all aren’t you. We get it you’ve been through stuff”. Now at first I was offended, but Proverbs 19:11 says “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” I had to look inside of me and realize there was no reason to be offended because I was operating in that truth. It was up to me to change it. In my first efforts to change it I began to revert back to that space of putting myself down.

 I didn’t know true humility was based in God.  True humility was not about the outward deeds but the heart of service. We hear to go high you must stay low. But let me be clear staying low doesn’t mean being a door mat. It doesn’t mean staying in an abusive situation. It means exalting the Lord’s work in you over yourself. I’m learning to find joy in humility because finding discord in it leads to humiliation.  

Humble-brags essentially leave God out of your deeds. They exalt you and essentially make your struggles an idol. If you are purpose driven and focused on destiny stop idolizing your trials and struggles and be grateful to God for his grace and guidance to bring you out (I’m preaching to myself). 

No more #blessed and #humble, instead let’s follow the words of Matthew 6:1 “Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven”. Social media doesn’t have to always know what’s going on, find contentment in God seeing your good deeds and faithful works. 

Stay positive. Send love. Be blessed. 

Treat yourself

So let’s keep it real. I’m a busy chick. I got a lot going on but it’s all in purpose. I’ve been real about my fears and desires but now I’m about to drop the mic, I’m really content where I am in life. 

I was just sitting around today and I realized I am really good. What God has been doing in my life and how my mind is changing is something I’ve never experienced. Even in going through pure hell and experiencing some doubts about what I’m really doing I have this peace. 

My blog started out about me wanting to be a wife. When I look back at the posts I wrote 18 months ago, I was just a little too desperate to be married. I wasn’t ready then ( I’m a little more now but…that’s not my number one priority), I was just preparing for this wedding. That’s why I’m still single. I didn’t know how cool it was just to be with me and on my grind. When I look at the woman who is behind this blog today versus the one who started it she’s totally different. I’m about my father’s business. 

My focus isn’t on having someone else’s last name, although that’ll be great one day, but on the ministry God is birthing in me. The whole point of my blog was to focus on preparing myself to be a Proverbs 31 woman, yet I had been fooled by “church folk” into thinking that ONLY meant being married. I’ll tell you what I found out in these past 18 months, your girl is a true 31 not because of a man who wants to marry me, but because I chose to chase Gods will over an idolized wedding. See real 31s lay it all out on the altar and sacrifice me for HE. 

My father and I spend quality time together, not because I want something from him but because I need relationship with him. I need to seek his face in order for my life to have direction. Have I stopped desiring to be married? No! What I have stopped is letting other people push me into it prematurely. I have stopped putting my life on hold for it. I’m a catch (sorry not sorry) so whenever God says it’s time and whomever God chooses to be my husband will align with my purpose and my destiny. He won’t make himself a golden calf in my life, we’ll seek God and walk in his will together. 

I hate that the church has made so many women feel inadequate because of their relationship status. I’m a whole person who is doing what I am supposed to do to bring glory to God’s kingdom. That’s what your life should be doing. That’s what your relationship status should be doing. Your marriage is a ministry. If your ministry doesn’t serve the kingdom of God then you’re operating outside of the will and ” Molly, you in danger girl”. I think the church has pushed the glamorized idea of marriage on us and not given us the reality of the situation. It’s not always hearts and flowers. I wish I had more wives who would tell us this. I hate that the church has insinuated 30 is old maid age for women and youth for men. I’m in my prime and I have wasted some of the most productive years of my life searching for a husband or learning the worlds way to be a wife and here I am just as single with wasted time. I will be married when I am married. Until then I’m chasing God and his purpose. When you’re in the will of God all these “things” will be given unto you. I literally threw away my vision boards from the past. Why? God was no where in the vision. It was centered on things. I sat myself down after meditating and praying about HIS vision for my life. In his presence is where I regained my vision. My new board has things yes but it’s mainly ministry (God’s will and way), after that the rest will happen. 

So now that I have faced my fears, claimed what’s mine, and found contentment in my current season, I am encouraging you to do the same. Life is great because we are living. Not because we are getting. 

Stay positive. Send love. Be blessed. 

Getting to the root before it ruins your fruit

The verse of the day encourages us to look at the root of our life and faith. Recently, I have been pushing myself to get to the root of my flaws and insecurities. This hasn’t been a fun process by any means, yet I have continuously grown throughout. Recently, my character and integrity was attacked. It wasn’t the first time I’ve had to fight lies but for some reason this one cut sharply. I won’t go into details but instantly I knew this was a spiritual battle.  Instead of fighting in my flesh, I looked internally and asked myself why did it hurt me so?  There were weeds at the root I hadn’t dealt with and the results were choking my fruit. 

For years, I looked for my joy in people, relationships, and my career. Essentially I turned my life into an idol. I was living for me and never satisfied. I liked Jesus. I claimed I loved him, but he wasn’t the root of my life. When I rededicated my life to the Lord in 2016, He began a pruning process in me. For months I was surface in my faith. My flesh would still win consistently in everything spiritual that would be thrown at me. I didn’t trust God or appreciate the blessings he gave me in that season. I thought I needed more. I couldn’t be content in being the assistant manager for the department, I had to compete with my boss because there was a better way. I couldn’t love my coworker because she always had a bad attitude. I couldn’t just be at peace and trust my boyfriend loved me and wanted to be with me, if he loved me that much he should want to marry me. Who did I think I was, God? The verse of the day in the message version is below. Paul is very straightforward with his counsel. 

“Take what you have an be grateful. Be rooted in Jesus. Don’t talk about your faith and love for Jesus, you’re past all that walk it!” Is what it loosely translates to. It took me 18 months to understand what my the weeds around my roots were: I was insecure about being my true self; I didn’t think I was enough and always needed more; and I had been lied to in love so much that I didn’t trust it. All of these things are roots but I was killing the fruit. 

Thinking I had to be a certain size to be accepted forced me into unhealthy eating and dieting habits, even weight loss surgery. Now I have accepted this is who I am and I love it. I am not unhealthy my body is just built differently and that’s ok. My personality isn’t typical for a woman and men often chastise me about it because of their insecurities. I’ve even been counseled by a woman that I need to soften myself so I can get married. I laugh at that now but for years I settled for discount men and lessened myself to just have someone. Only two men in my life have really just wanted the real me. The bold me. The me that is “too much” for everyone else. That insecurity ran deep. It didn’t really click until the counterfeit relationship this summer. At the beginning me being bold and strong was what he loved about me. Everyone loved him. Then his ego was bruised because someone at church (🙄) commented he wasn’t strong enough for me. He flipped the script and started trying to act controlling. Now you got the right one for all of that foolishness because I shut it all the way down. I realized that I had discounted myself to someone who couldn’t really take supporting me and my call. I realized that who I was would disappear with him. So when he broke up with me I was relieved and moved on rather quickly. I realized how valuable I am and how much of a good thing I will be to the one who is called to marry me. 

These insecurities poped up again in my career. I work in a male dominated field and I’m often the one keeping the department together. My tenacity brought out the insecurities in those I served. However, I saw the real issue the insecurities in me were being attacked by the insecurities in them. My flesh wanted to be right, but my spirit learned to be humble. 

That was the spiritual battle I spoke of at the beginning of the post. In Proverbs 3:34 the wisdom is clear “the Lord mocks the mockers and is gracious to the humble”. When you let insecurities rule you and forget that you are rooted in Jesus, you become a mockery. In this battle I kept my peace. I spoke the truth. I saw it for what it was. Here’s the kicker. Now I have to stay low and serve those who attacked me and my name. Oh my flesh wants to be petty. My flesh wants to spew insults. My flesh wants to see fleshly justice. However, the woman I have become in God has a spirit that would not and could not rejoice in that. This morning while praying I started to understand these weeds suffocating the fruit I was producing. I’m in the pruning process getting ready to reap the harvest because I am good soil. I had to get these weeds out of my life before they killed me and who I was to become in God. This spiritual battle showed me to fertilize those insecurities with forgiveness. All though your fears spoke against me they shall no longer define me.  I called up and forgave in prayer those involved in this battle for I know it was not them I was fighting, but the insecurities rooted in their spirit. I am still serving and working because I am doing it unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23). I will do so in excellence and I will do so in joy. That’s the real win!

If you live for man your life is worth nothing. Often we see what we do and who we are with as accomplishments rather than ministry, but it’s the exact opposite. Ministry is the reflection of Christ through us. Matthew 5:14 says we are the light of the word and cannot be hidden. 

If that reigns true, then our lives are a ministry and we must reflect the spirt of Christ in all things. I know I’m being called to greater but I must stay humble and grateful in the place I am now. No, my life won’t get better because I have a better job, more money, or even a husband. My life is better because I am rooted in Jesus and my faith is being walked out in evidentiary ministry. That’s what Christ meant, my opinion when he spoke ” the harvest is plenty but the workers are few” 

There is plenty of good God wants to do in your life, but your fruit can not be harvested when you allow the weeds of your flesh to choke its growth. You are good ground. Do the work and prune the weeds. The harvest is still coming. 

Now don’t fool yourself and think the pruning is the hard part. That’s just the beginning of harvesting. You have to watch your ground and when your fruit comes in its season you will have to cultivate it and take care of it being careful not to let it sit on the vine and spoil. 

I see the harvest season on my horizon and I’m in my field doing the work. 

Stay positive. Send love. Be blessed. 

Changed mind= changed life

God-morning! God is so amazing. The verse of the day today is one we are very familiar with, Romans 12:2. We can recite some form of it while going through a trial, but for me it took root yesterday while conquering my fears and claiming my promises. Since coming back I have been real about my fears and intentional about giving them to God. 

Yesterday, I filled up my tank, packed my oil ,and picked up my sister friend/ prayer partner/ ride or die and seat out to claim my vision. I just started listening to Bishop TD Jakes “Destiny” on audio and I was ready to conquer the day. My sister wasn’t in the best mood ( lady time issues) but I was prayed up and ready to conquer these fears. My mind was made up. As she entered my car, I programmed every stop in the gps and we were on our way.

The first stop was the place of employment. Recently, God has been bringing me into focus on his vocational purpose for my life. Last year, I was so burnt out on my job. I always seemed to be working. I thought it was my field and so I left. Well new field, same problem a year later. That’s when I had to get back to the basics. Get back to what was my purpose for anything. I had to do as instructed in Matthew 6:33, “Seek first the kingdom of God”. 

Kingdom work is fulfilling, flesh work is frustrating. In my time with God I realized I was fulfilled in kingdom work and there was always a why. When I left kingdom and went into flesh I stayed consistently frustrated. In kingdom there was order. In flesh there was constant disorder. So last month I had a Bartimaeus moment and died to my flesh and chose to pursue God’s will and the purpose he’s planted inside of me (Mark 10:50)

So praying at the place of purpose brought peace. I felt the spirt of the Lord. I was confident in claiming it. I knew it was mine! We hopped in the car and began to drive to the next stop, the jewelry store. Yesterday, I told you about last week and How my friend was so confident about claiming her future ring. Well, I was headed to the next store and she said “ummm if you are claiming your covenant symbols you need to go big.” That’s where mind renewing came into play. Instead of settling for a mediocre ring in the mall, I went to the largest engagement ring store in the city. I walked in nervous. Here I am a single woman with no reason to be in here and I’m walking into claim something I desire. Talk about faith. There was nothing in my life at that particular moment that said I should be in that store but my faith said acknowledge your purpose and prepare for God’s will on your life! We checked in ( cause that’s what you do in fancy stores) and the sales person they gave us was a man of faith. He asked what I liked and I told him. He showed me a set that was nice but it wasn’t me. It would be something I settled for. Then he brought me to what I truly desired. The ring he took out of the case was gorgeous and it was me! I prayed over that ring not coveting the thing but covering the covenant that it represents. I then asked to look at matching bands for my future husband. I found one that matched mine and I would be honored to present to him on our wedding day. Then came time to be bold. 

We stepped into the jewelers office to have him write it up. It was one thing to pray over it, it was another thing to speak it out loud. I became embarrassed but this man being a man of faith said, ” this is normal, women who do this usually have a man who just wants to know what to go get and they make it easier for him.” I breathed a sigh of relief. He sized me and wrote it up gave me his card and we were on our way to the next destination. 

 The next stop was the bridal shop. This is where there’s a plot twist. See the Bible tells us in Proverbs 19:21 we can plan and plan but the Lord’s plan will always come forth (loosely translated but you get it).

Crazily enough it was the shop I went to to purchase the dress I ended up selling on eBay after my breakup a year prior. I started feeling nauseous driving up to it because I really had to conquer this fear. This place was traumatic for me. This place represented a failure to me. It was a place where a hurtful memory took place. We entered the shop and I tried to put on my best face. I said, “I’d like to try on a wedding gown” the receptionist looked at me with an attitude of disgust and told me it would not be possible until 5pm. I was so disappointed and felt completely defeated. We left the store and I tried to continue in my task with a good attitude but that one stop got me. I tried to make an appointment at another shop but no one had one open that day. 

I recited 1 Peter 5:7 in my head and then headed to my future venue. I wasn’t as excited but I knew I had to press on.  My fear has been paralyzing in the past. If something was off then it was just off. I told my sister-friend, “oh well I will just make an appointment another day”. I got to the venue and there was so much activity around I couldn’t even get out to touch and claim it. I just drove past it and said a silent prayer and went on to the next stop. The luxury vehicle. We got to a dealership and we’re immediately discriminated against. We left disgusted. I wanted to claim this but there was so much trying to keep me in fear. I didn’t know why this would be in spirit but then I wasn’t able to go after it. Then I remembered, the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10). He wanted to steal my promise. But Pslams 46:10 reminds me to be still and know that he is God.

God was giving me the strength to conquer my fears and claim the promises on my life but HE also wanted me to listen to HIM. We drove across the street and the difference was noticeable. Our salesman was a young man of faith who was so kind. He educated me on the differences between vehicles and on the brand to which I was foreign. He allowed me to test drive the car and told me if it sold he would gladly help me find another one. I felt better after the dress and venue debacle. But this was God saying, “I gave you the vision but I will bring it to pass in my way and in my time). The final destination on the claiming tour was a new home. My sister-friend and I planned on moving in together as roommates to save money. We had been looking for a while but couldn’t find something that worked for us. I placed the coordinates in the GPS and we drove. When we got to the address the house wasn’t there. We hadn’t eaten and we just stopped for lunch. Then I broke. Anxiety and doubt started creeping into my mind. Did I hear God correctly? Was I supposed to do this today? My sister-friend saw my face and said ” Just let it happen ” I tried to awfulize about the things that weren’t happening, but then there was God working through my sister-friend. Without a word she got on the phone and began calling bridal shops in the area. She found one who had an appointment and would allow me to have my “claim it” moment. 

When we walked into the shop I realized I was limiting myself. My plans all day we’re limiting except for the career. My sister-friend encouraged me in my God given worth. Now we were in the shop and I was facing my fears of bridal gown shopping. I picked out a bunch of dresses that I thought would be beautiful and let my sister-friend pick out one to surprise me with. I tried on all the ones I thought I’d like, and I hated them. They weren’t me. They were what I thought I should wear. Then the gown she picks out I put on and then I love it! It was me, sparkles and class. I let go of the control and let her pick out the next round. Then we found it! The dress! I’m not engaged. I’m not in a relationship. But if he dropped from the sky tomorrow that would be it! It’s nothing like I imagined but everything I needed. That’s how God works. Psalms 46:1 says he’s our present help in the time of trouble. He sent my sister-friend to be my present help. To speak life. To show me how to trust a plan that’s greater. We had enough time to shop for bridesmaids dresses and take pictures before the appointment was over. I needed that experience because it gave me my confidence back. I remembered my focus and we said we’d make one more attempt to find a home. 

The home we chose to visit was 10 minutes away from the bridal shop. We got to the door, walked in and loved it. It was just enough space without being too much. It was separate enough to accommodate us but together enough to keep our bond. God knew what he spoke into me. He knew what needed to happen yesterday. Isaiah 55:11 says God’s word will not return to him void. That means what God says will happen. It is my faith that needed checking. Once we agreed that that place was it for us, we got the oil. We walked that entire house claiming it for us to build the kingdom of God. I went into the room that would be mine and claimed everything that day that I claimed for the same purpose. 

The claiming tour wasn’t about my fleshly desires. It was about the vision for purpose God placed in me and actively seeking to walk in it. James 3:16 says selfish ambition brings evil, strife, and disorder (loosely translated). Nothing was about me yesterday and it was all about HIM.

For years I discounted myself and settled for less than I was worth. Everything I claimed yesterday was greater than I originally thought I was going to. God has greater planned for my life and if I just let go and let Him do his thing he will blow my mind. What a way to have a revelation. The peace I experienced following the claiming tour is unlike anything else. I know I’m seeing purpose. I know I am in the will of a God. I am safe and I feel protected against anything the enemy may try to throw at me. God is great and the curses are broken off of my life. What are you doing about your purpose?

Stay positive. Send love. Be blessed.