I used to blog to clear my head. To say the things I was too afraid to say in real life. I used to blog to go deeper in my quest for real relationship with God. Then I got new friends. I cared what they thought. I hid my thoughts in my journals because I didn’t think they mattered. It’s amazing what we tell ourselves when we are empty.
So why today? I realized just how empty I really am. I have a lot of things going for me that has happened in the past year and I have people begging me to blog again. I couldn’t because I was empty. I was torn on whether or not to write another book. I was torn on whether to make my blogs a journal. I never understood fully why I couldn’t commit to what I wanted write. Then my new friends started doing what I used to do. They started blogging, writing, making shows, starting businesses and here I am working myself into emptiness. Never filling myself up with what truly gives me joy.
In the past year I have found my purpose, accepted me and my flaws, and understood what love means. In doing all that I almost lost me. So today I am being myself. It’s hard being me. Yet so many people wish they were me. I used to be one of those people who thought my life would be better being someone else. How wrong I was. I love my life and I understand the reason I have it is because I was called to it. However, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. This past year has taught me to be content in where I am and to be careful what you pray for.
I used to loathe being alone on the weekends. Now I pray for weekends when I can be at peace. I used to hate sitting by myself in church and now I contemplate hiding in a random pew any given Sunday. I would long for someone to confide in. Now when I do so I get lectured on me. Be careful what you pray for. You may be wishing away the peace you take for granted. I don’t regret any of the choices I made in the past year. I have made peace with certain areas of my life. I’m at peace with motherhood. I’m at peace with my weight. I’m at peace with being alone. So in the next 12 months I make the choice to become at peace with my life. Whether it’s calm or its hectic I choose to be at peace.
Being at peace doesn’t mean I won’t cry. Being at peace doesn’t mean I won’t be misunderstood. Being at peace doesn’t mean I won’t be frustrated. Being at peace means those things won’t control my life. Today I just felt crappy and empty. Most people wouldn’t understand but that’s ok too. I’ve been too worried about most people. I feel like I lost my way on my path to relationship with God but I choose to find my way back and find it in peace over perfection. So welcome back… I’ve got something to say and I’m looking for a refill.
Send love. Stay positive. Be blessed.
Proverbs 30.99999 